Bars, Sex and Facebook

Facebook has become competition for the bar.

Prior to fb the bar was THE place for sexual interactions. Nothing else came close. All you needed was a wingman or two, a decent outfit and a bar that your type attended. As an added bonus the booze gave you liquid courage and forgiving “eyewear”.

Time and money also helped because not every night will “Mr. or Miss Right” be out, so there was a statistical advantage in going out often and making a scene. You can’t score if you aren’t shooting.

Facebook has lessened the necessity of the “Bar Star” approach. It’s become “Coles Notes” for the bar. Rather than sporadically scrutinizing an object of affection amongst ever present competition you can now follow up while couch surfing and eating Doritos with the innocuous “Friend Request”.

So once the friend request is accepted, what’s first?

Photos. Most people go right for bathing suit pictures and I’m pretty sure I don’t need to explain why. “Cancun 2011” it is then.

After that mild invasion, the “picture creep” may continue. Of course it can also end as quickly as a blind date. People know what they like and these pics are the “first impression”.

A good rule of thumb with pictures is “Don’t bore the shit out of people”.

Photo albums max at 200 pics. Please don’t “max-out”. People are not interested in 15 pictures of the same piece of blurry coral or a wonky sunset! Do some editing for the audience. I wouldn’t go through 200 pictures from the Japan Tsunami so an all-inclusive vacay doesn’t need to be documented better than an epic disaster. Tighten it up.

Curtail the number of albums. Here girls are generally the culprits as they treat every night as an “Event”. Multiple pictures of the “hand on the hip” group shots in every album is overkill. Pick the best and shelve the rest. We aren’t documenting human history. You know those amazing nature programs that catch animals in astonishing action? Well those are the result of 100’s of hours of effort for a 10 second segment. They know “Money Shots” are what the people want...and so should we.

For guys it is “Profile Pictures” with reams of their favorite sports logos and their view of “the game” from the nosebleeds. We can watch the game in HD so one pic is enough to let everyone know you got out of the house. And six Maple Leaf logos is too much. Even if you are in the NHL and play for the Leafs, it is too much. We get it. You really really really like a particular hockey team, or soccer team, or Nascar driver. Throw it under your likes and let’s consider it covered. Oh and fellas…. 1 or 2 pics of your whip suffices, this isn’t autotrader.

Feel Free to untag. If someone else is committing the major sin of boring us on your behalf do not lose a wink of sleep over untagging the 8 shots in a row of you making a “funny” face or eating dinner at that badly lit restaurant where you’re at the end of the table and are getting mercy tagged to death.

Now if the creeping has moved to “info” then they like what they’ve seen so now let’s reward them with something illuminating… “who” you are.

Take some time and give a fair cross-section of your likes.

We used to ask “what music do you like” but unless searching for a jazz aficionado this is usually pointless as most people like “all kinds of music”. So don’t waste a lot of time here. Around five artists should cover it, you are not making a mixed CD. Now a “Dislike” would be a nice touch (are you listening fb?!), one click on “Dislike Country” and bye bye Daisy Duke.

Movies are the new “Book”. Your favorite movies give a strong indication of where you live and breathe and what moves you as a person. Ladies, we get that Notebook will probably be in there and Fellas… Scarface but put in a little more effort here. 10 movies should be your goal just so we can by-pass the ubiquitous.

There is no use “pretending” who you are. Let your freak flag fly if that’s what floats your boat. If one person loves Adam Sandler flics and anything with the word “Saw”, while the other likes “Casablanca” and “Annie Hall” then lets save everybody some time. Even though they looked hot in Cancun…this is one night stand territory.

Finally we move to the wall. Here can be seen not only who they interact with (pics gave us that already) but as importantly is the “way” they interact. Are you a chivalrous Momma’s boy? Then take note if her and her friends casually refer to each other as “whores” and “sluts” and save some Xmas Dinner unpleasantness.

Are they putting up reams of boring YouTube music videos? They are either too fond of run-of-the-mill videography or attention starved with nothing interesting to say. Oh and if those are love sick songs…check back again in 6 months.

What are their statuses like?

If they are a constant complainer then you’ll be joining the ice hut brigade on Kempenfelt Bay every year to get away from the harping.

If they are ecstatic one day, then a “FML’er” the next because of a missed appointment, then you’ve got yourself a manic and you better love rollercoasters and talking to yourself (because “they have their own damn problems or haven’t you been listening!”)

If they only update when they have something to brag about then their “look at me” is going to need a lot of “Yep look at you! You are incredible…*insecure mind you*…but incredible!” from you.

Facebook has gone far beyond a fancy way of catching up with family and friends. It is giving people an actual sense of community and belonging. It quenches that anxious human thirst of “Am I missing anything?” And most amazingly, it is creating bonds without uttering a single word.

Facebook has become dating. Perhaps even better, it is a 3D resume for paramours that they can request and review at their leisure. So look sharp!