6 Best Christmas Movies of All Time

BAD SANTA

The late John Ritter and Bernie Mac shine in their supporting roles but it is Billy Bob Thornton's transcendent performance that allows us to route for this despicable person.

"Look, I’ve boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure. But as far as I can recall, I’ve never fornicated anybody"

THE FAMILY MAN

Nicolas Cage gets a glimpse of a life that might have been and it's more powerful than he and ultimately we the audience expects. The heart of this movie is the relationship between Cage and Leoni but it's the little girl that gives it soul.

"If you need this, Jack, if you really need this, I will take these kids from a life they love and I'll take myself from the only home we've ever shared together and I'll move wherever you need to go. I'll do that because I love you. I love you, and that's more important to me than our address. I choose us."

ELF

It may be at times a little strained however the "Baby it's Cold Outside" bathroom duet is enough for me to love this movie. Ferrell plays wide-eyed better than anyone in the business and I dare you not to smile when he's at the doctors eating cotton balls like cotton candy in front of a frustrated Caan.

"Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?" - Buddy answering a phone

DIE HARD

The movie that made Bruce Willis a superstar still holds up astonishingly well today...and the biggest reason why (and why Die Hard 2,3 and 4 don't) is Alan Rickman. Rickman's mannered use of the English language is a special effect all it's own.

"You know my name but who are you? Just another American who saw too many movies as a child? Another orphan of a bankrupt culture who thinks he's John Wayne? Rambo? Marshal Dillon?"

NATIONAL LAMPOON'S CHRISTMAS VACATION

Remember when Chevy Chase used to be funny? Well this movie does. The best of the series by far and thanks to Randy Quaid as Eddie, an unmissable classic. Here is Eddie explaining to Clark about the plate in his head:

"Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so."

LOVE ACTUALLY

A movie with 8 different vignettes that leaves some viewers indifferent overall is still one of my favorites. And it all comes down to the final words by Grant. A reminder that although disperate in appearance we all take part in the human experience.

"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinions starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion... love actually is all around"

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Your Friends at THE BANK

Thanks For The Memories 2010

BEST PICTURES of 2010

Sydney Crosby had virtually every Canadian on their feet simultaneously. Man hugs, beer spilling and fist pumping also set records that day in Canada.

This is the Carina Nebula. A 3 light year tall tower of dust and gas giving birth to stars. 3 light years btw, is 30 trillion kilometers (1600 times the width of our solar system). Amazing what God can do in in just 6000 years...uhem.

Prince William and Kate Middleton announced their engagement last month. Don't think that is a big deal? 1 in 6 people on the planet tuned in to watch his father marry Princess Diana. When you add in radio listers the number swells to 1 in 4. Trust me, when this wedding goes down...your girlfriend/wife will be watching and you'll "pretend" to not really care.

A supercell on a Montana prairie. This is what happens when a single person prays too hard for rain.

A man douses himself in flammable liquid, sets himself alight and jumps to his death from the Freedom Bridge in Budapest, Hungary. Not the way I'd chose to go if I'm honest.

James Cameron (director of the largest grossing film of all time: Avatar) kids around with his ex-wife Kathryn Bigelow who won the Best Picture Oscar for "The Hurt Locker". Or as I like to call it "The Shit Locker". What a terrible movie. James stop kidding and finish it!

The worst environmental disaster in American history unleashed 200,000,000 barrels of oil off Louisiana. Is it just me or are there an awful lot of "worst in history" benchmarks being set lately?

Chi Chi Chi Le Le Le. 33 miners were plucked from almost a kilometer underground after living in a dank hole for 69 days. These guys couldn't wait to get home to all those mistresses. Turns out Chilean miners are horny liars. But hey welcome back fellas!

These whale watchers in South Africa got a little too close to the action when a 40-ton whale jumped out of the ocean and onto the deck of the boat. All were fine except the boat. It looked like Rhianna after a Chris Brown reunion.

A young woman lies on the grave of U.S. Marine Lance Cpl. Noah Pier (25) in Arlington National Cemetery. Pier was killed February 16th in Afghanistan. I find this picture haunting. The tragedy is mixed with a serene beauty. I found myself imagining who this woman was and will she find the comfort this picture implies.

Once More Into The Breach Dear Friends

After a 24+ hour dumping in our lovely snowbelt, we collectively wondered if it could get any worse.

Then it of course…it did.

The temperature rose and still more snow fell but this time it was the slushy backbreaking kind. And we wondered if it could get any worse.

Then of course…it did.

This time a cold snap descended upon us, instantly turning that thick wet veneer of snow into an impenetrable layer of fortified ice suitable for an American tank.

However yesterday and today are the Holy Grail of life in Barrie…a bitterly strong wind…with snow. This manages to create the beloved drifts that contour our landscape like a sub-zero Sahara. This exasperates the OCD shoveler as all clean/low spots instantly fill with a surging tide of unending and unyielding snow.

This is what forges the character of Canadian Belters. It separates the men from the boys and the women from the women who are uncomfortably good at sports. When the going gets tough, the tough curse, swear and shovel some more.

Many Belters hit the ski hills this time of year. Unfortunately for me I do not enjoy winter sport. I find them…well, cold. It never made much sense to me to exacerbate this frigid situation but adding speed and therefore windchill. Therefore I do as indigenous bears do. I hibernate and dream of green grass and warm winds.

Although I’m not proud of my decidedly duck and cover approach…I see I’m not alone. Facebook “Countown Status Season” is upon us. As other dreamers book vacation getaways, they pacify themselves with counting the days to this temporary liberation.

However we all know the truth. We are going to end up right back here and tormented for much longer yet…like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day or a wedding speech that begins with “I’m not very good at these”.

Trips of course carry with them the double wammy of spending our much coveted dollars, coupled with the inaction of not earning. Not an ideal long term solution. So is there another more consistent form of escape?

No. Not really.

Studies show we watch a hell of a lot more TV this time of year, clearly another by-product of my fellow hibernators. Reading books and exercise also gain slight upticks, but let’s be honest these aren’t as high up the list as we would like to pretend at cocktail parties. Cocktail parties being another activity none of us really partake in.

No I think what we do best as Canadians is grin and bear it. Buck up and get through it. It is what it is. Like death, taxes and a Chris Rock movie.

However this is what makes up the sour and the sweet of life. By braving the hardships of winter we can now truly appreciate and enjoy those idyllic summer nights.

Sure there will be days when our hands are so cold they ache; When we can’t shake a chill to the bone; When sniffing becomes a cadence in casual conversation that we not only accept but become oblivious to. Days that have heart pounding moments when our cars lose grip in such a way that impact seems imminent.

This is what binds us as Canadians. Better even…Belters. We endure, persevere and earn the right come summer time to say “This is a beauty fucking day”. For we know what a shitty day is. We know what a 100 shitty days strung together are.

So pass us a cold beer, pull back the deck chair and let me enjoy this moment more than any Californian could ever dare.

We may be at war right now my fellow Canadians, shoulder to shoulder in the foxhole, but with each passing day we get ever closer to our salvation…to victory.

Now That's More Like it

Smoking a cigar is how my friends and I like to start a night out. It’s a great way to get our pump primed and to loosen up the mental dexterity.

This time of year we huddle around a fire and discuss the week that was. Some of it is simply catching up and can be tedious but mostly we talk about the big things that effect us all: The Economy. Religion. Politics.

People will tell you these are topics to be avoided because fundamentally most people have very disparate views at the outset. For example when we talk politics, we don’t want to piss away precious time with a pom-pom flailing cheerleader spewing useless logo loyalty and party platforms.

Politicians by their very self-serving nature are broken so comparing Conservatives to Liberals is as useless as painting walls to distract us from the dog dragging its arse across the carpet.

Do you know what it is I am getting at?

A meaningful conversation is challenging and fulfilling, so you don’t want it high-jacked by disjointed lunacy.

“Georgian Bay used to be under a Himalayan like mountain 1.5 Billion years ago which explains...” only to be cut off with “The earth is only 6000 years old”. Bloody hell

That person is in the wrong group.

Why waste everybody’s time? Why discuss world poverty with most billionaires? A person buying a painted canvas at Sotheby’s for $100 Million is not going to yield fertile ground on this subject. “19,000 kids starve to death a day you say? What a shame. At least I have this $100M painty-bit.”

It’s just better to be around those on the same page. Don’t get me wrong, diversity adds greatly to the depth of a conversation but let’s not have somebody bringing a chainsaw to a vasectomy.

This brings me to The Bank of course.

We go to different bars for different reasons. Sometimes it is to watch a game while enjoying wings, or to have a drink after a hard day at work, or to let loose and meet people we will like.

The Bank was built for the latter.

The Bank is the place we go when we dress up a little and want to engage people on that same page. People that share the idea that their night is for fun not fighting. For being respectful not belligerent. For feeling safe not threatened. For those that want to let loose…not drink to oblivion and vomit stain a poor defenseless bathroom.

I find I have a better time at The Bank then I have ever had at any other bar in any other City. That is not nepotism talking, that is my honest feeling. And it’s not the venue…it’s the people.

It’s really nice being surrounded by people I’d share a cigar with.

A Christmas List

Buddhists tell us we must remove desire in order to achieve happiness. There is a certain logic and continuity in that line of thinking. You see, if we are too busy desiring more how can we be truly happy with what we’ve already got.

It reminds me of that song lyric “If you can’t be with the one you love baby, love the one your with”. It’s a particularly rousing burble, especially when Uncie Bear is wailing it. Perhaps Stills was a Buddhist.

In my youth when I would long for a young lady, I was quite sure she smelled like a summer’s meadow, could recite Shakespeare by heart and always told fascinating anecdotes. Of course none of that turned out to be necessarily true.

Of useful note, I was not such an exemplary specimen myself. I was usually picked by team captains in the latter rounds for most sporting activities. I managed to narrowly nudge out the chess club types and convinced myself some vague favoritism must be discounting my prowess.

This of course was also not true, but rather my desire to believe it.

You know my Father likes to tell me that you must have your dreams…something to constantly propel you forward, to strive for. You must aspire for something more, something better.

This is another of life’s conundrums. Strive or be content.

If we were all to be Buddhists would we have landed on the moon, created democracy, produced the automobile or built nuclear bombs that could blow up the entire world 10 times over?

How to temper striving to be Masters of the Universe with the fulfilling complacency of “This is as good as it gets”.

This brings me to Christmas.

My girlfriend has been asking me recently for my Christmas wish list. A seemingly harmless question is it not?

To answer her, I must now ask myself “what is it that I want”. Would I like a book I probably won’t read? A tie rack for the ties I never wear? Or perhaps an even smaller iPod? One so small I will need to also ask for a small pointy stick just to operate it.

Prior to the question being asked, I wasn't even aware I needed anything. I was blissfully ignorant to these newly created cravings.

Instead my head now fills with visions of any number of possible articles that could sooth and sate some of life’s struggles.

The problem of course is…I know they won’t. Not really. Life never really fully converges with our expectations does it? Given time things seem to always fall a little short.

Take the miracle of flight for example. Two hundred years ago people used to take months in horse drawn wagons to travel from coast to coast, and people died attempting such an arduous trek. Now it takes 5 hours by jet… and yet those damn seats are just so uncomfortable.

This brings me back to those young ladies who ultimately told fairly average anecdotes after I took off the rose tinted glasses of desire. I have learned not to let desire build such unrealistic expectations. Much like when I order Chinese Food.

Certainly we have all outgrown the ability to be as a child who, with unbridled joy Christmas morning, tears open the gift that is sure to make everything instantly wonderful. Therefore is a Christmas list even worth the effort for us now? Should Axl Rose still be attempting to making records? I’m not so sure.

So in this one small Buddhist-like way, rather than thinking about what I want this Christmas…I’ll be trying to be more appreciative of what I already have.

It is not an easy task, mind you.

Of course, if I were an actual Buddhist this might be easier.

Dammit. There I go again…desiring something else.

Something a Little Different

Click on the link below to watch the short video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mtv25Juxlc

The Party is Over

The American Election is now in the history books and many are wondering…what was that all about?!

One such person is Bill Maher. On his HBO show Real Time he pontificates “If you can vote for Bush one year, then the next election for Obama and then go back to John Boehner; you’re not Independent, you’re schizophrenic.”

Obama apologists believe the Tea Party distorted a decent record while Obama himself thinks that the problem was “communication”. That is like taking your car in for servicing because the brakes are squealing but the man at the garage tells you the problem is your radio is on too low.

I find it weirdly amusing that what happened could be so misconstrued.

Allow me start with two truisms.

1- American Democracy is broken.

2- The American Economy is broken.

Starting with the former …The average American couldn’t run a successful corner store so why would we expect them to properly run the entire Country through their voting?

Of course the way around this is an “informed public” but thanks to a ridiculous media that idea is dead. Dead as dead can be. As dead as slavery in the civilized world…or your chances of getting a Government Pension if you are currently under 50.

Couple this with the corruption of the actually government itself…I mean if these politicians had to wear badges announcing their true allegiances they would look like NASCAR Drivers. Although they would have to be 150 ft tall to provide enough room for all the necessary corporate logos.

The final straw for Democracy is the crazy elections themselves. To get a Republican Nomination you must clench guns and bibles so vigorously that metal and paper become one. To garner the Democratic Nomination you must promise to pay for everyone everywhere while defecating reams of peace signs.

These nominees then abandon all their “core principles” as they now work to deceive independents in the actual election. Politicians are like prostitutes. They both have the ability to pretend to like you, while they are fucking you.

And the best thing is…you have only these two "bought and paid for" choices.

Did I say best thing…? That’s not right…………I meant worst thing. Having only these two choices is the worst thing.

The whole thing is a mess. And if I’m being honest… better entertainment value than anything on TV these days.

A far as the Economy goes…it is in even worse shape. Under Employment is a staggering 20%. The debt has reached an astronomical $750,000 per household (including entitlement programs). And if you taxed every single person at 100%...they would still be running an enormous elephant killing deficit!

Meanwhile American Citizens want all the perks when asked.

In California where the public has to vote on propositions to change their budget the problem becomes clear. Want to cut Child Services? “No thank you.” Want to increase taxes? “No thank you”.

People want it all…for nothing. Democracy in action.

You won’t get sanity from voters when another side is busy telling them what they want to hear. It’s like your dentist telling you to brush your teeth when a strange bloke in a suit enters the room saying that he knows a dentist that has proven brushing your teeth will lead to Armageddon.

Voters in the past held their collective noses to believed the lie they knew to be false…because they still could.

This brings us back to the past election. This was not an Anti-Obama or Pro-Republican vote. These people did not “fail to understand” nor are they schizophrenic.

They are awakening to the truth and they are exercising the only choice they have at their disposal. Fire who's in office by voting for the new person.

Although politicians continue to lie for votes and Corporations keep creating false narratives…the results can no longer be hidden from plain sight. These people are broke. This system is broken. And finally....the people are facing it.

I sum the election up in 4 words. The natives are restless.

A Salute

Nine years ago today was a day we will always remember. Let’s not delve into the silly and say “things will never be the same again”. On the contrary here we are living demonstratively the same lives we did before…except for the men and women in uniform.

When Obama announced the Afghanistan surge over a year ago his then (and now more infamous) General McChrystal addressed the troops as we watched by satellite. He told these soldiers they are there to protect and liberate the good Afghani people.

Wait a tic…somehow I don’t think that was in the recruitment brochure in Pawnee Rock, Kansas. “Go to the arid Middle East to risk your life for people you’ve never met.” Met? Hell most Americans couldn’t point out Afghanistan on a globe. Their maps are of the cartoonish variety and point out burger joints...and Nascar venues.

Here is what I reflect on, on a day such as this…America has Military Bases in nearly a third of the world’s countries and give or take a platoon, 500,000 troops. That is astonishing to me.

This is certainly not a rant about the Military Industrial Complex. It is just an observation of a perplexing priority.

The US is drowning in debt. When Bush took office the accrued budget deficit was $4 Trillion. It was $8T when he left less than 2 years ago and now it is $12T. They are now digging the hole faster than Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan can go through a bag of Bolivian marching powder.

They need either a huge budget cut or a massive tax increase pronto. However if you DOUBLED the personal tax rate currently in the US, there would still be a shortfall. Surely absurdity has been reached.

Experts have gleaned that the only expenditure large enough to cut and make a difference is those innumerable foreign bases. Now don’t think for a second vacating these would leave the US vulnerable. They still have 1,000,000 uniforms at home, more sophisticated machinery that every other nation COMBINED… and of course THE bomb.

What they would lose however is their ability to exert pressure in those other countries where many multinational corporations are the benefactor.

Ah there is the rub.

The US is not a country defending borders or ideals anymore. It hasn’t been since the end of WWII. It is a country defending markets. Markets that are the life blood of its economy and its cushy position at the top of the heap so their flag waving populous can continue getting morbidly obese and stunningly distracted.

So as we all watch the News reports of the Memorial services and the drums are beating for those poor families and the brave men and women…remember that rousing number is cutting two ways.

Summertime Musings

Summer is half over…or we have half left depending on how you view the glass. Yep, June, July and August is all we get in The Northern Bear so let’s take a recap on what has happened thus far and what lies ahead.

Summer Blockbusters

This has been the worst summer for movies in recent memory; from the unwatchable (Sex in the City / Jonah Hex) to the underwhelming (Prince of Persia / Robin Hood / A-Team). The only two decent flics so far are Iron Man 2 and Get Him to the Greek. However, not a single movie has fully captured us yet so here’s hoping Leo’s Inception does the trick or else I’m stuck with my “The Hangover” DVD!

News

I’ve heard about some sort of an oil problem in the Gulf. Ok so it’s dominated the news…and it’s just depressing. Is it just me or does anyone else thinks Obama should have immediately set BP aside and told the Admirals and Generals of his multi-trillion dollar military “I don’t care what it takes. Procure any and all resources necessary. I want this geyser of oil stopped. Now!” Give BP the bill after it’s over. Instead were left to watch inept corporate bumbling.

One gets the feeling after Afghanistan, Iraq, New Orleans/Katrina, Wall Street, Bank Bailouts and Unemployment that the USA just doesn’t know what the fuck it is doing anymore.

G20

Twenty leaders pow-wowed in our back yard to continue to decide the fate of the world and came up with seven useless resolutions. How useless you ask? Here is one of those resolutions:

3. We agree: Members will at least halve their deficits by 2013 and stabilize government debt-to-GDP ratios, or put them on a downward path by 2016.

Now does everyone see the joke? They “agree” to drastically reduce debt in three years OR reduce it a smidgen in six years. Six years is of course past most of these leaders’ tenure AND leaves the high minded declaration for the three years totally negated. Nice work morons.

Kick Ball

Here is my opportunity to upset all you football/soccer fans. Spain won the World Cup and managed to “score” 8 goals in 7 games. That is 1.14 goals per game for the World Champions. In the last 4 games (and they won all 4) they scored 1.0 goal per game en route to their “victory”.

Spanish transplants globally showed nation pride for this auspicious achievement with little plastic car flags and horn blowing. Whatever.

Basketball

LeBron signed with Miami and the Cleveland Cavaliers owner publicly attacks King James’ character. Listen here turkey. LeBron fulfilled his contract. He even out-performed. If he wants to go somewhere else it is his prerogative. He’s not a slave asshole.

Political Correctiveness

Helen Thomas, a member of the White House press core for 5 decades and an honorary doctorate 30 times over was forced to resign after she said Israelis “should get the hell out of Palestine. Remember these people are occupied and it’s their land”.

I have no dog in the Israeli/Palestine fight nor do I necessarily agree with her. Having said that are you not allowed to voice an opinion now? Is this that much different then saying America needs to get out of the Middle East? And aren’t we a stronger society if we have open dialogue on contentious issues? Forget silly anti-Semitic or anti-Muslim name calling, isn’t there something of value to discuss there? After all people are dying as a consequence.

Weather

May was a peach but June was a deluge. Rain rain rain. So far July has been a sweltering mess. What happened to a regular ol’ 24 and sunny day? I have high hopes for the next month and a half and on that note: Get out there and enjoy the next few weeks!

Think of all the things you wanted to do in the winter when we had frozen-bound cabin fever…and get out there and make a memory! Last chance for the summer of 2010.

Root Canal Politics

The following piece is from the New York Times, written by Thomas Friedman. I actually met him in a line up at Pearson Airport last month and recognized him from his “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” appearances.

Perhaps our chance encounter led to him writing this article that is dead on accurate. Perhaps not…especially considering our meeting was brief and I was too busy complimenting him.

There are 2 beauty lines in this.

Enjoy!

DEATH NOTICE: The Tooth Fairy died last night of complications related to obesity. Born Jan. 1, 1946, the Tooth Fairy is survived by 400 million children living largely in North America and Western Europe, known collectively as “The Baby Boomers.” “We’ll certainly miss the Tooth Fairy,” one of them said following her death, which coincided with the 2010 British elections and rioting in Greece. The Tooth Fairy had only one surviving sibling who will now look after her offspring alone: Mr. Bond Market of Wall Street and the City of London.

Sitting in America, it’s hard to grasp the importance of the British elections and the Greek riots. Nothing to do with us, right? Well, I’d pay attention to the drama playing out here. It may be coming to a theater near you.

The meta-story behind the British election, the Greek meltdown and our own Tea Party is this: Our parents were “The Greatest Generation,” and they earned that title by making enormous sacrifices and investments to build us a world of abundance. My generation, “The Baby Boomers,” turned out to be what the writer Kurt Andersen called “The Grasshopper Generation.” We’ve eaten through all that abundance like hungry locusts.

Now we and our kids together need to become “The Regeneration” — one that raises incomes anew but in a way that is financially and ecologically sustainable. It will take a big adjustment.

We baby boomers in America and Western Europe were raised to believe there really was a Tooth Fairy, whose magic would allow conservatives to cut taxes without cutting services and liberals to expand services without raising taxes. The Tooth Fairy did it by printing money, by bogus accounting and by deluding us into thinking that by borrowing from China or Germany, or against our rising home values, or by creating exotic financial instruments to trade with each other, we were actually creating wealth.

Greece, for instance, became the General Motors of countries. Like G.M.’s management, Greek politicians used the easy money and subsidies that came with European Union membership not to make themselves more competitive in a flat world, but more corrupt, less willing to collect taxes and uncompetitive. Under Greek law, anyone in certain “hazardous” jobs could retire with full pension at 50 for women and 55 for men — including hairdressers who use a lot of chemical dyes and shampoos. In Britain, everyone over 60 gets an annual allowance to pay heating bills and can ride any local bus for free. That’s really sweet — if you can afford it. But Britain, where 25 percent of the government’s budget is now borrowed, can’t anymore.

Britain and Greece are today’s poster children for the wrenching new post-Tooth Fairy politics, where baby boomers will have to accept deep cuts to their benefits and pensions today so their kids can have jobs and not be saddled with debts tomorrow. Otherwise, we’re headed for intergenerational conflict throughout the West.

David Willetts, a British Conservative candidate and the author of a new book, “The Pinch: How the baby boomers took their children’s future — and how they can give it back,” told me that the Tories’ most effective campaign ad was a poster showing a newborn baby under the headline: “Dad’s eyes, Mum’s nose, Gordon Brown’s debt.” Beneath was the caption: “Labour’s debt crisis: Every child in Britain is born owing £17,000. They deserve better.”

What is most striking about the British election, said John Micklethwait, editor in chief of The Economist, was that it may be the first Western election “based on pain.” All the leading candidates warned voters that “cuts are coming,” but none were even close to honest about how deep.

Here is how The Financial Times described it on April 26: “The next government will have to cut public sector pay, freeze benefits, slash jobs, abolish a range of welfare entitlements and take the ax to programs such as school building and road maintenance.” Too bad no party won a majority mandate in the British elections to do this job.

After 65 years in which politics in the West was, mostly, about giving things away to voters, it’s now going to be, mostly, about taking things away. Goodbye Tooth Fairy politics, hello Root Canal politics.

It’s no fun. Just ask Greek parliamentarians, who, in the wake of announcing radical austerity measures, found their Parliament besieged by rioting anti-austerity protestors reportedly chanting, “Burn it down! That brothel Parliament!”

My takeaway is that U.S. and European politicians — please don’t laugh — are going to have to get a lot smarter and more honest.

To be the Regeneration, they’ll have to figure out how to raise some taxes to increase revenues, while cutting other taxes to stimulate growth; they’ll have to cut some services to save money, while investing in new infrastructure to grow economic capacity. We have got to use every dollar wisely now. Because we’ve eaten through our reserves, because the lords of discipline, the Electronic Herd of bond traders, are back with a vengeance — and because that Tooth Fairy, she be dead.

- Thomas Friedman

Patio Friends

Barrie had one of the easiest winters in memory. Of course that is a bit like saying John Holmes was gentle in bed. Feel free to Google John Holmes if you were born after 1980.

Let me put it another way. The last time you laid by a pool and had to dive in because you were too hot was sometime in late August. That was almost 8 months ago! Use your fingers and count it out by all means.

Of course we are still months away from that actual moment. Sure we silly Canadians hold out hope for May 2-4 weekend to be our savior but the last half dozen or so have been miserable dreck.

It barely seems possible to think our Vitamin D deprived bodies could tolerate such a sabbatical from the true warmth of an actual sun. The one week at an all-inclusive is fine but not the soul sustaining nourishment we sun worshipers need.

What is the answer for us to maintain a semblance of a society that doesn’t fall into cannibalism simply for entertainment?

Patios.

Yes patios are the lifeblood of Barrie.

Great friends. Cold beer. Lakeview. Need I say more?

That brings me to SKYBANK. The boys and I start dreaming about re-opening the patio sometime in January and bring it up like Jewish Mothers mentioning their sons becoming Doctors.

The word SKYBANK alone puts a smile on all of our faces even when the winter winds are pounding and the sun rises about at high as Hugh Hefner sans Viagra.

We were fortunate enough to win Barrie’s Best Patio and Nightclub in a local rags poll. This is probably because most patios are pressure treated nightmare boxes and the other Nightclub is owned by a man in his 90’s I believe. Either way we’ll accept the accolade with pride.

You know the first time I talked with Sparty (Jim Garland) about buying the old TD Bank for our new club, a crazed mesmerized look came over his face. *see Homer Simpson and doughnuts. And he said “Imagine a roof top patio!”

I’m not a religious man but I do believe that was a religious experience. It’s one of those moments when your eyes widen as if making them bigger will help cram as much of this wonderful idea in your head as possible.

From that moment on we planned everything at The Bank with that goal in mind. No matter what it cost. No matter the obstacles. We were going to build the best goddamned patio we bloody well could.

Some people have made an interesting issue that we have six partners in The Bank. They say things like “Did you know there are like 20 partners?” I always found this vexing and quite missing the point. We are all the best of friends and I must tell you it is wonderful experience to share something as fulfilling as this has been with them.

I picture other bar owners as these Dickensian characters who slave over the young talented people running their business as they rub their hands menacingly together. “Here is one piece of coal for you but the rest is Mine! Mine! Mine! Now bring me all the young ones so I can feed.”

Ok I’m sure that isn’t true. Nobody uses coal anymore.

Recently my little brother Beacher (Joe Bubel) quit his job in Manhattan. So we did the natural thing and brought him into The Bank as a partner. It means we now have another great friend to enjoy that one little word….SKYBANK.

Again patios are about great friends. Cold Beer. Lakeviews.

It’s like that Robert Frost poem. Two roads diverged in a Yellow Wood so we took the one less travelled by and brought our friends. And that has made all the difference.

Thank you so much for joining us on our journey.

Bring on the sun and the patio people!

Canadian Dreaming

The average price of a Canadian home is now $330,000 and that is almost incomprehensible to me, especially when the average Canadian makes $40,000 before taxes.

Historically we used to buy homes that were 3 times our gross income. Not anymore. Instead we have a relatively new phenomenon…household income.

The days of the stay at home mother are impossible for the vast majority so you now have 2 full-time workers that manage to push the average household income to $70,000 in our gingerbread house economy.

Let’s play the game shall we? It’s called an Average Canadian Household Budget.

Gross income: $70,000 Average Family (2 adults and 2 kids)

Taxes: ($10,000) - Healthcare isn’t free anywhere. Neither are Schools,Cops, Firemen, paved roads, garbage collection. ..

Car: ($9000) –Insurance, repairs and gas (as long as you don’t commute) included but you only get 1 Honda for the both of you.

Food: ($11000) -That is $7.50 per head per day! Steak is like a UFO on this plan…only specious claims of seeing one have been made.

Clothes: ($2500) – No power suits or catwalks here. Actually not even a Sears catalogue “look-away” pose.

Vacation : ($2500) – Come on…you have to give us at least 1 week away at a crummy all inclusive. Our weather sucks. Kids stay behind L

Savings: ($5000) – You are never going to be able to afford anything without savings. Also retirement needs to factor in and don't forget a rainy day back up fund (1 in 13 Unemployed Canadians know this). 40 years ago we used to save 10% but now 7% would be a John Lennon anthem.

Xmas/Birthdays: ($1000) –Peoples is your jeweler and you might go once every 5 years.

Entertainment: ($5000) - A dinner and a movie the odd time with a glass of wine and some wings and beer for the game. Aren’t we at the very least adults?!

Hair Salons and Tanning: ($1000) -It’s SuperCuts and pasty for us!

Electronics: ($1000) – This is a desktop every 5 years with the odd iPod and 32” TV. Not blazing a tech trail with this kind of money.

Gym Membership ($0) –Sit ups and push ups are more in our price range.

Cell Phone: ($1000) –You’ll each need one and no LD calls or Cadillac plans. Oh and never one for the kids….hollering will suffice.

Cable/Internet: ($1200) – Your life is basic cable.

Make Up, Sports Equipment, Concerts, Golfing, Weekend Trips, Shoes (this is for you ladies), Bedding, Small Appliances (irons, toasters, hair dryers, etc.), luggage, car wash, car seats, and the list goes on and on and on : ($2500) – I’m almost ashamed to put this number so low. A lot of hand-me-downs on this budget as name brands are for the rich.

Pets: ($1000) –Let us hope there are no serious Vet bills or else Rover won’t make it.

2 Children: ($3000) –This is a tough number to nail down admittedly and can swing violently up if you want them to go to University. Oh and forget daycare. Grandma better live close by and be available 50 hours a week.

Whew!

Ok now how much do we have left for a little thing called Shelter?

$525.00 per month.

You also have to still pay for heat, hydro, repairs, maintenance, lawn mowers, furniture, appliances, insurance, etc. etc. etc.

The average property tax for a home in Barrie is now $300 per month alone!

The conclusion?

The average Canadian can’t even subsist. Instead they have $0 savings (Imagine that John Lennon) and use that money to merely approach the lifestyle I envision the average family to have.

Next time someone tells you families nowadays have it too good…smack them.

Next time a politician tells you a tax increase is “no big deal” because it only works out to $1.50 per day (“ the price of a cup of coffee” one famously said) try and wake them up. Christ! In this scenario it’s 20% of what we are spending to feed a person!

If the average household somehow managed to cut expenses drastically enough to own a home and not go in debt that would be miraculous. If they could further cut expenses to realize the herculean task of actual savings (say 3%) then your “coffee” tax erases a third of that effort! I guess "Live like shit and work till you die" is the motto you are assigning the masses.

Here is another number. The average Canadian Male in 1968 (taking in taxation and inflation) made DOUBLE what the average Canadian Male makes today!

The average Canadian today is not greedy. Not careless. Not lazy. They are overworked and underpaid with no light at the end of the tunnel.

I need a drink! Oh and we need some real leaders because this shit…is not going to fix itself.

Fabulous Denial

Priests were routinely allowed to marry up until the 12^th Century. There are of course conflicting views as to why a new doctrine of celibacy arose. Some say it was to ensure the Priests were “married” to the church and his flock. I say “his” because women cannot rise to priesthood. While others contend that it is beneficial for the Church to have disciples with no family to bequeath and dissipate wealth to.

Both are compelling arguments.

Now what sort of man would commit himself to a life of celibacy? Take a moment and think of those around you. I, for example, have some “devout” acquaintances but none that could accept such a Tenet for life.

Human nature and the sexual urge through many many millenniums of evolution would be a very hard instinct to suppress indeed. Being exceptionally devout, may not be enough motivation.

Let us also look at the genetic predisposition known as homosexuality. Homosexuality co-exists in the animal kingdom alongside heterosexuality and it is pervasive and natural. Given that understanding there will be devout homosexuals.

Here is the tricky part. The Pope and Roman Catholic Church believe they must “save” homosexuals from their “sins”. Perhaps you have already guessed where I am going.

A devout homosexual has no interest in women sexually. Therefore not marrying a woman is no great sacrifice. Furthermore their “urges” are believed “sinful” and should be repressed. So the church offers them the added bonus of both a refuge and the discipline to help overcome the “affliction”.

So there you have it. It seems debatable to me that homosexuals would have a greater propensity to become a priest than heterosexuals.

If this is true can I issue a statement to the hierarchy of The Roman Catholic Church.

“Please stop the self loathing”.

Time to embrace your inner diva and be proud!

The ones you persecute are yourselves and it is such a hateful waste.

Look at all the wonderful things you do when you fellas get together. The long flowing beautiful robes, the great hats, the candelabras everywhere (you guys must really love candles), the singing (you love soprano even more than the candles), the smoke being waved about, the stain glass and the gorgeous cathedrals. Jesus you guys know how to throw a pageant….oops service... I mean service.

So let’s turn the page shall we and get out of the ignorance of the Middle Ages Benedict baby. You, your Cardinals and your Bishops…are Here. Arguably Queer. And we are all fine with it.

Time for you to be.

Bye Bye American Pie

America doesn’t manufacture anything anymore. Once upon a time not too long ago, that was not the case. America out produced the world.

When the good ol’ US of A joined the war effort in 1941 its productivity dwarfed other nations. In fact America’s industrial might produced more Airplanes, Warships, Merchant Ships, Tanks, Landing Craft, Trucks, Small Arms and Ammunition than all the other allies put together.

By the ’70 the United States was so powerful it ignored its own Constitution and changed the fate of the world with a stroke of a pen. They took THE de facto currency off the Gold Standard…and the looting began.

America is now a consumer economy, which is to say other Nations manufacture goods so Americans can consume.

If an American, Canadian, Asian and a Latin American were stranded on an island and tasked with preparing meals for survival: The Asian would construct the dinner table. The Latin American would harvest the fresh fruit and vegetables before preparing the feast. The Canadian would supply fresh water. The American would eat…and give us worthless pieces of paper for our contributions.

Now some economists will try and tell you our island economy is dependent on the American appetite. I disagree. I only see production being wasted on useless paper.

The reason the paper is useless is America is bankrupt even though no one wants to admit it.

We are told the value of the American economy (GDP) is $14 Trillion. The problem is…it isn’t. That number is fudged, cooked, padded. The US Government is making it up. Fully a third of that number is fabricated out of thin air.

The numbers on American inflation are also fictitious. When properly reported they indicate the stability and health of an Economy. Unfortunately the Government has quietly added words like Substitution and Hedonics so instead of a gauge for stability it’s a tool for deceit. They have been vigorously and systematically hiding the disease.

America is hard at work trying to tell the world that they will make a comeback and their credit is good.

It is not.

You may be wondering how this happened to the wealthiest nation in the world.

Corporate America took over the Government. And when it did it became about the pillaging of wealth and not the creation of it. Short term gain trumped long term planning.

It’s like that scene in “Goodfellas” when Pauly and the boys go from customers of the restaurant to part owners. Once on the other side of the till they rob the place blind and torch it for the insurance money. They had no interest in customer service. Money is money and easy money is the best kind.

The Government “for the people and by the people” is a mirage. Comparing Obama and McCain is as silly as arguing over puppets on the hands of the same person.

The fix is in. The deck is stacked. An elite "club" runs America...an we are not in the club.

America is no longer a functional Democracy, it’s a Plutocracy. It’s a place where the wealthiest 1% has the same buying power as the bottom 95%. The wolf is running the hen house. Feel free to feel nauseous.

Government debt is soaring in American. From $4 Trillion to $12 Trillion in a decade and you can forget rosier forecasts because the paper they are written on is as useless as its currency.

Add in entitlements programs like Medicare and Social Security (which only has a laughable I.O.U in its bank account because the Government uses this “pension money” as general revenue) and their debt is an astronomic $50 Trillion+.

In fact if you add up all the debts of America, personal and private, it equates to over $700,000US per household.

Now that is staggering.

By the way if you are in the stock market…my advice is to clear out of America at the very least.

The band is warming up and the fat lady is one hell of a singer. You can only sweep so much dirt under the carpet before the lumps eventually get noticed.

America is going to implode.

It may not be this year or the next. But it will happen.

There are ominous signs for Canadians as well. I see too many politicians more concerned with their careers than public service. Those people are the danger…they hide the cancer.

The impending fall of America saddens me. For the most part Americans are good honest people who got duped. It didn’t have to be this way.

I leave you with the words of John F Kennedy in his inspiring “City on a Hill” Address. He proved quite prophetic.

“From those to whom much is given, much is required…. Our success or failure, in whatever office we may hold, will be measured by the answer to four questions.”

First, were we truly men of courage—with the courage to stand up to one’s enemies—and the courage to stand up, when necessary, to one’s associates—the courage to resist public pressure, as well as private greed.

Secondly, were we truly men of judgment—with perceptive judgment of the future as well as the past—of our own mistakes as well as the mistakes of others—with enough wisdom to know that we did not know and enough candor to admit it?

Third, were we truly men of integrity—men who never ran out on either the principles in which they believed or the people who believed in them—men who believed in us—men whom neither financial gain nor political ambition could ever divert from the fulfillment of our sacred trust?

Finally, were we truly men of dedication—with an honor mortgaged to no single individual or group, and compromised by no private obligation or aim, but devoted solely to serving the public good and the national interest.”

-January 9^th, 1961

I wish these ideals did not become anachronistic. I really do. Alas, they are…and the lumbering husk of America is ever weakened and hollowed out.

What happens from here, I do not know. What will be the final solution of a deluded and proud Nation when the inevitable occurs? I can only guess.

I do have two simple wishes though.

That America keeps their grotesquely large arsenal on the sidelines. And that Canadians wake up and learn from America’s mistakes.

If a politician smacks of self preservation…do us all a favor and don’t vote for them.

Footnote*

Out of the 181 Countries in the world, the USA has the worst trade deficit ($731B in '08) by a mile. Most aren't shocked by that. The next closest are Spain ($145B), UK ($105B), AUS ($56B), Italy ($52B) and Greece ($44B). Still not shocked? It would take the total deficits of the 63 worst offending Countries in the world to equal the amount the USA went in the ditch last year alone.