I was recently talking to someone about a mutual friend who had broken up with their significant other. The platitude exchanged was “at least there wasn’t someone else”. Of course what is meant by that is the person leaving was not doing so because of another romantic entanglement.
I guess that might be true...
This is something we all hear. It’s the “go to” in the relationship-ender scene. Invariably when two people break up they ask the other “is there someone else?”
The canned response is “Of course not. There is no one else”, which in turn is believed at about a 50/50 clip.
Ahh human nature to believe what you want to believe.
There is the rare occasion when the person actually wants out because it “wasn’t working”. Bravo in this case as the honesty has given them both the opportunity to glean from the experience and is the proud choice. But man is that rare. Like albino grasshopper-monkey rare.
Some of The flee-ers will fess up because they’ve pretty much already set up permanent shop with the third party and the realization is inevitable. That’s a toughie. Not only have they been dipping in a third party pool...they’ve been doing that shit for quite some time. Time heals all. Let’s move on shall we.
Unfortunately most of these people have in fact been free-lancing and simply decided against making a messy situation messier. Why bother when you are on your way out the door?
Now why do I believe there is usually “someone else”? Speaking generally...Relationships are Security.
It is hard to cast off a blanket of security for the fear of the unknown. Cue the Hamlet reference...”makes cowards of us all”.
Therefore people tend to have third party security (the best kind of security because it has that new car smell and...well...security) giving them the courage of their convictions to actually leave .
Personally I’d like to believe in the fairytale. That everyone polices their actions perfectly and that what people say is the absolute truth. The reality is something very different.
The bust rate on divorce is well known. Half of all marriages end in divorce. Marriages that usually involve children, mortgages, intertwined friendships and family, capped off with a vow of undying love...end in failure 50% of the time.
Heck the other 50% who stay married are no screaming hell either. Most seem like manageable hell to me. Therefore believing someone who is dumping you is statistically naive at best.
Perhaps with matters of the heart statistics are best left alone. The dream is good sustaining stuff.
If you try and fail in an attempt at relationship bliss, don’t beat yourself up over “someone else” or even lower yourself to ask. The response will most likely be bullshit. Just dust yourself off and focus on all the annoying goddamned traits that you don’t have to put up with anymore.
-Life is complicated and far from perfect but it is still great
I left a relationship recently do to unhappiness. I told my ex partner that I wasn't leaving him for someone else, I was leaving him for me.
ReplyDeleteThe reason I believe for the amount of divorces these days is because woman are more independant and "back in the day" the women usually stayed home and took care of the children there for to up and leave with no money and most likely no support from either partners family there wasn't really an option.
They conintued to tend to their spouses beck and call, they coped, settled and just became who their partner created. I can't imagine all the woman whom have gone before us who died as someone else never fullfilling their dreams and apsiriations.
So as mentioned I decided that I wasn't happy with my relationship, it wasn't new and sudden feelings, I had dealt with them for a long time before deciding that hey we only live once and there's no way I'm going to leave this world in the end as someone else.
Great post!
Very very well said. Good for you and I wish you all the best!
ReplyDeleteWe only get one trip and it's an extremely sad thought that some women have felt trapped due to economics. Another great reason for equality of pay.
Thanks for the comment!
wow someone's been burned and is still riding in the front seat of the BITTER BUS. your sad attempt at ending on a silver lining ..... well.... flopped. I've had a hand full of amazing relationships. despite all of those guys having dropped the ball in certain ways or handling situations badly or possessing "annoying god damned traits" i loved them for an initial reason, was attracted to them and cared about them and, sure, when things ended i was angry and bitched to my gf's but looking back now i dont assume they had another girl or culminate all the bad things about them. i remember why i enjoyed the time i shared with them and remember what i learned from them. call me weak..... but i believe in the innocence until proven guilty theory and ya... some break ups are unjust..... and ya .... some ppl never get the satisfaction of proving those that ARE guilty. relationships are a risk.... but you'll never feel the water if you dont jump.
ReplyDeleteClearly my tongue-in-cheek was not the right approach in your opinion.
ReplyDeleteI'll take it your semi-attack was due to a miscommunication and a dislike for my handling of the subject matter.
Not all of me efforts will work for everyone.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.