Picture Perfect

My little brother is working on a blog for next week that will continue the journey we are collectively taking into society’s most pressing ills. I believe it will be the boldest and most thoroughly thought-provoking indictment thus far.

For this week I thought a little frivolity was in order...

I love new cars. I love the smell of the fresh upholstery and the thunk of the precision-fitted door. I love that no one has eaten McDonalds in it or gotten uncomfortably hot after a long journey. It is a blank canvas awaiting our unique butt grooves.

No offence to the classic car guys who painstakingly restore those ’67 Corvettes and Mustangs or the big black Lincoln convertible with the suicide doors driven during the opening credits of Entourage.

However in fairness...those cars handle like a dinner tray on roller skates and have the modern convenience of a dugout canoe.

In a new car you get greater horsepower as well as enormously better handling and comfort. Integrated cell phones and iPods with Satellite Navigation kick the holy hell out of air conditioning vents that are as powerful as an asthmatic wheezing on you.

I’ll take the pinnacle of the craft over parking at Burger King with the hood up to showing off a shiny motor every time.

As far as the aesthetics argument...well I would argue that new cars trounce them there as well.

Here is my personal list of the sexiest rides of today.

Aston Martin DB9- “Rembrandt"

There is something about this car that gives all men the same involuntary twitch in their loins. It is achingly beautiful. When a cars proportions are this right viscerally we react in much the same way as seeing Bar Refaeli (guys feel free to cut and paste that name into your Google field now and click Images)
Sexy Scale: 98.

Celebrity Equivalence: Leonardo DiCaprio and Angelina Jolie

Ferrari 430-“Michelangelo”

It’s a Ferrari. That should be enough of an explanation however when Italians make a great looking sports car that handles as good as it looks then you’ve elevated the endeavour to an absolute art form. Bellissima!

Sexy Scale: 95.

Celebrity Equivalence: Johnny Depp and Megan Fox

Audi R8- “Dali”

This car looks fast standing still. Bold and powerful, it is sure to turn heads and it has usurped the Porsche as the affordable Super Car.

Sexy Scale: 90.

Celebrity Equivalence: Bradley Cooper and Scarlett Johansson

Bentley Continental GT-“da Vinci”

With the right color combo, perhaps a black on saddle, this strikes an operatic chord. Copious amounts of dead cow and rainforest wood in the interior let everyone know who the top of the food chain is.

Sexy Scale: 88.

Celebrity Equivalence: George Clooney and Charlize Theron

In the "Just Missed Category"

Lamborghini Gallardo

Nowhere near as shouty as past models and that is what Lamborghinis are supposed to do. They are teenage fantasy cars that announce the arrival of the over-privileged and crass, in wincingly awful colors. And like the fat girl with the real pretty face that you think would be gorgeous if she just lost weight...stripped down...it’s a letdown.

Sexy Scale: 78.

Celebrity Equivalence: Jaime Foxx and Cameron Diaz

On the other end of the spectrum here are some cars that I hope were gifts or you stole them if you are unfortunate enough to own one.

BMW’s 5 and 7 Series

These cars look grief-strickenly awful. It’s a tragedy given the German’s mastery of “the driver’s car”. Seriously, for them to skin a beautiful piece of machinery so poorly, makes you want to stuff the designers inside a seal that you then dangle off the coast of South Africa to be a Great White’s dinner.

Sexy Scale: 20.

Celebrity Equivalence: Steve Buscemi and Joan Cusack

Honda Element

A hideous embodiment of all that is wrong with having Star Trek conventions. Clearly these people grew up and designed a car that exudes “my mom hugged me a little too much”. Nobody wants to see this abomination driving around. Save it for the couch and get it off our roads.

Sexy Scale: 0.

Celebrity Equivalence: Bill Gates and Rosie O’Donnell

Chrysler PT Cruiser

The PT combines the likability of a Hearse with the sex appeal of 30’s ambulance...this is a ghastly little piece of engineering.

Sexy Scale: -5.

Celebrity Equivalence: Moe Sizlack and Samantha Ronson

-Sexiest Car in a TV show

Ferrari 308 GTS

Knight Rider was toys for tots. Magnum PI was the real bomb and Tom Selleck was rocking the shit in the car everyone wanted...so much so we even wore the short shorts like him. *Gulp*

-Sexiest Car in a Movie

Aston Martin DB5

Bond, James Bond. This car was suave, sophisticated and sexy as all get out. This was a match made in heaven like bangers and mash...or butter and lollipops. Ok that was a Boogie Nights reference but there was no way I was making a “shaken martini” one.

I am of course mindful that we are in tough economic times and cars like the DB9 are beyond our collective reach. I am also acutely aware that even if they are within the grasp...given my “Benjamin Button” blog, they should not be our focus.

I test drove my dream car, the DB9, last year and I chose to walk away. I figure some things are simply better admired from afar. In my mind it is still near perfection and there it remains.

See you next week Top of the Food Chain!

-Life is complicated and far from perfect but it is still great.