Superstitious Monkey

Drudge Report is one of the 10 busiest websites in the world with over 20 million hits a day. For those of you unfamiliar, it provides links to the most fascinating news of the week. All you do is click the headline that interests you and voila!

Two days ago Drudge had the headline “47 million year old missing link found” in red, which indicates a particularly important link. Dubbed by some as the “Mother of all Monkeys”, this fossil of a lemur-like creature was unveiled to the world along with the statement that the elusive link between man and ape may have been found.

Prior to this find a half skeleton of the famous ape “Lucy” dated 3 million years old was hailed as the closest evidence of Darwinian evolution for mankind. This new specimen however, is almost completely intact and displays markers such as fingernails, grasping hands and a bone in the foot that resembles anthropoids, leaving scientist frothing at the mouth.

Yesterday Google even put the fossil in their famous logo as they do to commemorate special occasions. This is an important find obviously and unfortunately the politics have already begun. Drudge is seen by many as a “right-wing” American website, which is to say influenced by gun totting Jesus lovers. Some links remain on the site for as long as 4 days...this one lasted only 8 hours.

American Broadcasts also handled this story with kid gloves and readily offered the contrarian view. After all, evolution in America is a controversial subject. So controversial in fact, that some states (I’m looking at you Kansas) are even teaching Creationism in its classrooms alongside evolution under the guise of giving children exposure to both valid theories.

For those of you unfamiliar, Creationism is the Religious origin story that believes our planet is between 6-10,000 years old and was created in 6 days as the Bible says. A document of faith is being taught alongside science and given equal credibility to the indefensible young.

Things have gotten so bad in the USA that Creationists even have museums depicting children riding on top of dinosaurs so they can reconcile those pesky dinosaur bones with their profoundly absurd timeline.

God is like a grape juice stain in the white cloth of science and it’s proving a tough bugger to get out.

Fortunately science trudges on regardless of religious beliefs (see Copernicus). For example, work has recently been completed on an underground super collider in Cern, Switzerland to conduct the most expensive scientific experiment ever. This 27 km mile loop is smashing particles together at light speed to see what holds them together.

Scientists are hoping this experiment with finally marry together Einstein’s theory of Relativity with Quantum Mechanics. One of the theories proffered is “string theory” which is to say a bond based on vibration. Sounds pocket protector geeky, but these nerds are big time excited about solving the riddle. Unfortunately, their efforts are being tainted by religious blinders when media outlets refer to the endeavour as a search for the “God Particle”.

Science seeks to prove or disprove theories through facts while religion has no such restrictions. In fact, the word “faith” is defined as; a belief that is not based on proof. Given this, I’m always struck when a person of faith is boastful and wears it like a badge of honour they’ve earned. It’s an odd thing to be proud of believing in something for which there is no proof.

Empirical evidence and judgement are too often casualties to faith and we lose much more than objectivity. The next version of a more deadly Swine Flu is not going to get prayed away and our cars aren’t going to run on bible verses when the oil runs out.

There will be some chest pounding and posturing over this latest scientific discovery, but one thing is clear, scientists will keep to the work. Odd opinions and feelings do not make for a substantive case in the world of science.

Only when enough evidence is in to either prove or disprove their theory, will Scientists rest. It’s not about hubris for them, it’s about facts and getting it right. With 6,800,000,000 people consuming and polluting, we need them to be right.

See ya next week top of the food chain!

-Life is complicated and far from perfect, but it's still great.

The Original Six

I think maybe it’s time to tell a little bit about the people behind your friendly neighbourhood bar known as THE BANK.

Jim Garland, aka SPARTY, is the Big Kahuna running the show and is the man responsible for making every night a great night. SPARTY got his nickname because when I first laid eyes on him I thought Kirk Douglas in “Spartacus” minus the trident and the oiled up body. That would be just weird if I actually pictured him all oiled up...not that there is anything wrong with that if there are guys that do. I’m not here to judge people. If you like broad shoulders and a great smile who am I to say nay. Have at it.

SPARTY used to run Manhattans and has been in the bar business for 82 years. Ok ok, he’s barely 30 but he’s been drinking since he was wearing pyjamas with feet so he was the logical choice to lead this band of brothers. Honest and charismatic he’s our own downtown movie star minus the huge house, awesome cars, Clooney-esque looks, acting talent of any sort...now that I think about it...he’s just a big likeable guy living in Barrie.

Little Known Fact: Clotheshorse.

Casey Green, aka CAPTAIN AWESOME, is SPARTY’s right hand man and is the quiet one. Let’s think of him as Contemplative Smurf. You know the type, he plays it close to the vest so you have no clue how fast the hamster is running. CAPTAIN got his nickname the old fashioned way; he earned it. Hmm now that I think of it, he gave it to himself. However, I’ve never heard someone dispute the nickname so it’s good enough for me!

He too came from Manhattans and now our boy in his late 20’s owns part of the sexiest bar in Barrie. You’ll find him running around in a fashionable jacket on a Saturday night making magic happen or on off days with a snowboard/mountain bike strapped to his back and a smile tattooed across his face.

Little Known Fact: Albino white on the dance floor.

Mike Denischuck, aka HEY MIKEY, is the fun bobby mascot that everybody wants to be around. I don’t think this guy has a bad bone in his body. And yes people, I get the connotation and I’m sticking with the cliché. HEY got his nickname from that commercial for “Life” cereal many many moons ago. The one where the little kids are worried about tasting the new cereal so they give it to tiny Mikey who gulps it down with a smile leaving the kids to exalt ,“He likes it! Hey Mikey”.

That my friend is our HEY MIKEY, always there with a smile and positive input, the infectious little bugger. No connotation that time. He’s also the youngest (mid 20’s), but he’s had chest hair and smoked since the sandbox so it really is tough to believe the ID.

Little Known Fact: Likes rocking the Tony Soprano velour jump suits.

Andre Denischuck, aka TAMPA BAY, is mellow SPARTY in glasses. He’s HEY MIKEY’s big brother and I believe he is so laid back due to all the crap he shoved down HEY’s throat over the years. Settle people. TAMPA does most of his work in front of the bar and leaves the heavy lifting to the rest of the Barrie Boys. His nickname came from a beach vendor trying to get the attention of the Buccaneer Jersey wearing Andre and he was clearly proud of his vast inventory as he bellowed “Tampa Bay! Got it!”

Little Known Fact: Italian Gesticulator. See “redundant” in the dictionary.

Chris Drury, aka DRUXY, is officially the quietest of the bunch. Jesus writing this you gotta wonder why these fellows are so interested in giving all of us such a great time. I’ll go with “Vicarious Living” for $200 please Alex. DRUXY grew up in the historical home of E.C Drury, past Premier of Ontario. Yep his Great Grandfather used to have Dalton McGuinty’s job and his Great Great Grandfather was the first Minister of Agriculture. Pretty cool stuff.

Now DRUXY is the oldest of the group (roughly) while still in his 30’s and he didn’t get his nickname from the sandwich shop. His came from the Lee Major’s TV show Fall Guy. They had this great baritone voiceover before each commercial break that said “Fall Guy will be back after these messages”. We used to say “DUR BOX will be back after these messages” and that of course truncated to DRUX which later expanded to DRUXY. Perfectly reasonable.

Little Known Fact: Shot gunned his first beer in 2009.

Kevin Bubel, aka THE KING, is the shy, quiet guy writing his little heart out. Now let me explain the nickname as it causes me great grief. I wasn’t the most well off kid growing up (not that I’m complaining Maw!). I was the standard 15 year old weighing the proverbial 97 pounds with a strong affinity for Elvis Presley. You know that guy. Alright maybe you don’t so I’ll digress.

Well that was me and I took a liking to calling myself The King of Rock n Roll, and when you are all ankles and wrists wearing 2 stripe rugby pants because the 3 stripe Adidas were too pricey, everyone gets the joke.

I’m not much bigger today and I no longer wear rugby pants, but I sure like seeing those close to me happy. Growing up that skinny kid had a hard time fitting in with the public school masses and would’ve loved a bit more camaraderie, so it makes me very proud that THE BANK has been such a success for 5 great young guys.

Little Known Fact: Have you not been reading these Blogs?

The rest of the staff is the best group of people ever assembled in a bar (and I’m not just saying that). Rob King and the boys do a super human job of keeping everyone safe. Henne, Skitz and Unce Bear bring the noise and keep the party sharp. Connor Love and crew have turned out a menu that rivals the best clubs in Vegas, NY or LA. Teener, Hipster and the other knee achingly beautiful faces have brought a new level of customer service that people in this town have been missing and deserve. Excuse my effusion...guess I’m proud of everyone!

See ya next week top of the food chain!

-Life is complicated and far from perfect, but it's still great.

Buttoning Up This Life

Benjamin Button was a little long in the tooth to my way of thinking. I was expecting a larger impact on the bane of mortality from the guys responsible for Se7en and Fight Club. All in all I found it a middling exercise and left the theatre in mild disappointment.

However, my brother Joe (we call him Beacher) and I have been ruminating quite a bit about this movie ever since. The simplicity of Button’s lifestyle and the fleeting nature of it has been our focus. Perhaps I was too quick to judge initially.

I’m not going to mess about here. This movie expanded my understanding of material things. You see we may purchase things, but we never own them. They are simply borrowed, leased. Nothing, not even our mortal coils, are permanent in our ephemeral lives.

I have come to think of everything in much the same way I do fashionable clothes. Buy what makes you look and feel good but don’t expect that to last and don’t mortgage your future for them. Homes, cars, furniture, they are all disposable goods.

I’ve owned some really great stuff in most all categories and I changed those very same possessions regularly with virtually no appreciation of past ownership for in the end it was just “stuff”.

Perhaps I’m not nostalgic. I don’t keep pictures or mental images to wax over later with an enveloping sigh. I appreciate what I have and use today and I of course cling to future hope but past possessions have no effect on me.

With this in mind I look to simplify that future hope and expectation, to temper it with the knowledge that functionality will be of greater import then owning the fancy sports car or the home with a 10 foot TV screen. Those things were nice, but not in relationship to their cost. No one gets 5 times the enjoyment out of a $140,000 car than somebody with a $28,000 car. Hell I barely drive 10,000 kms per year.

I have spent a large part of my life endeavouring to live according what my station in life dictates. Consuming and purchasing based on a T4 and Madison Avenue, if you will. My assumption was living within my means was the litmus test.

Now they say money can’t buy happiness but it certainly can buy things to aid in the happiness quotient. I thought I had the right benchmark by coupling that and living within my means. However, these random accoutrements were not getting me as happy as the cost inferred.

I watched Pitt’s character ride the same motorcycle and help with the same chores at the old age home regardless of his T4 station and he looked happy to me. For those of us having a hard time defining happiness, perhaps therein lies the lesson. Happiness may be the absence of anxiety. Owning “things” does not impart that. In fact horsepower and square footage can have quite the opposite effect.

We do not own material possessions, material possessions own us.

These nice “things” in life come with a cost beyond the price tag. They come with concern and they come with guilt, concern over the upkeep and guilt over the proper utilization. Did I park too close to that other car and will they carelessly nick mine? Is it not absurd to be watching a TV made for a small theatre when you are alone 95% of the time?

These things may be self evident to you and if they are I doff my cap to you. I have been so busy chasing something that even when I caught it I was too muddled and obtuse to learn that I missed an opportunity for a simpler and more rewarding life. Attaining all the material niceties in this life is no different than a fine meal...very satisfying in the moment but temporary sustenance only in the long term.

My new mission statement is to live a Benjamin Button existence. Appreciate the here and now and look at possessions as interesting trinkets and baubles only. If their cost is negligible then all is fine, however if there is to be a sacrifice for such distractions, then I believe I would be selling myself for the acquisition. Not to be Buddhist but making the desire reality is not worth the price.

I’m no longer interested in briefly attaining a rented item in exchange for my happiness.

See ya next week top of the food chain!

-Life is complicated and far from perfect, but it's still great.