Irreconcilable Differences

I don’t wish to impugn the man/boy who was called a musical genius by many in the know, but Michael Jackson was a disturbed individual. His accolades and appeal is widely known and it elevated him to one of the most iconic figures of the modern age. He was Jesus Christ popular.

Let’s go over some of the more disturbing accounts and suppositions that were the legacy of the man. We are all aware of his propensity for small children and his lawsuits that were settled even before the circus act of his last ordeal. One child was paid $20 Million back in the early 90’s to settle out of court and that my friends was a lot of money that did not serve as much of a deterrent for his ongoing behaviour.

MJ of course made a lot of money and was able to indulge his odd proclivities such as augmenting his visage. In the end his face was a disaster that alluded to the torment raging within. A nose so reduced that it belonged on a small toy, a chin that was implausibly clefted and dimpled unless you were Kirk Douglas, lips that were tattoo red and eyes that were unnaturally wide for a 50 year old man. All this together gave MJ a ghoulish appearance that he of course hid behind surgical masks as each new surgery healed beyond the veil.

His skin color had turned an odd light grey from years of bleaching. Don’t believe the Vitiligo line he gave Oprah. I have Vitiligo (a patch under my one arm and on the small of my back) and it doesn’t take your entire body from coco to wallpaper paste overnight.

Remember those pieces of white tape he used to ring all his finger nails with? That is because it’s hard to get the bleach under a nail. Therefore the skin underneath beguiled that he was indeed a man of color and not an androgynous Caucasian. Take a look at a picture when the tape wasn’t there and you’ll see what I mean.

His supposed children with their fair flowing hair are of course only his by legality. Debbie Rowe, to whom MJ was married but never had a sexual relationship with, has now confirmed what everyone with any sense knew...MJ was not the biological father. She was artificially inseminated with a decidedly Caucasian donor to further Michael’s obsession with being considered white.

We know the tales of Jesus Juice and pyjama sleep overs; The odd purchase of John Merrick’s remains and impossible diamonds for Liz Taylor; Bobo the chimp, sleeping in hyperbaric chambers and dangling his baby from a balcony; The PR machine that tried to convince us that Neverland was an idyllic oasis for a young at heart Peter Pan and not an individual in need of a team of psychiatrists.

Now that MJ has passed we will start to hear stories that will shock many, however, not many that were paying attention. MJ will of course be found out to be homosexual and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Suitors will begin to come forward and book deals will be signed. Some will be false however many will be righteous and confirm that MJ preferred the company of men.

Once that toxicology report comes out there will be lots of finger pointing. This man was heavily medicated and pharmaceuticals may only be the tip of the iceberg. There will be lots of clamouring about how people close to him let this happen, however, MJ did what MJ wanted and if you were not an enabler...you were not in his inner circle.

His fortune will most likely turn Elvis-esque, which is to say decades from now it will dwarf whatever it is currently. Elvis makes more in a year these days then his total net worth upon his death. MJ will become a bizarre institution in much the same way.

There are rumours that he has over 100 songs that have never seen the light of day and Tupac has taught us the goldmine that is posthumously released material.

Now that the mortal coil has expired the music will live on less fettered by the irreconcilable lore of that coil. The tug of war between his music and his behaviour will eventually be put to rest, leaving his lifestyle more anecdotal and the music to speak for itself.

It’s an odd story people and in the short term it’s going to get a lot odder.

See you next week!

-Life is complicated and far from perfect but it is still great

Obama Likes God....Kinda

There are two taboo subjects ...Religion and Politics. Some people say this is a country founded on religious principles and I respect your right to believe whatever it is you wish to. However, in the words of Jimmy Jeffries..."Please know you are wrong."

This is a country of laws. These laws sometimes get bastardized when the populous and politicians start ignorantly screwing with them. Having said that, let’s look at a couple of issues because I have a bone to pick with the anointed one named Obama.

Controversial Subject #1 - Gay Marriage

Those for it say it’s a question of discrimination and equality for consenting adults. Those against say it’s a religious union and question what is next. Man marries beast? Polygamy?

For me this issue is simple. People can legally wed without evoking God already. Just hop over to City Hall and a Justice of the Peace will perform a perfectly legal marriage that is fully recognized by the Government. Out goes that argument.

If two consenting adults want to express their love through marriage, then I say fill your boots. A man marrying a goat is not two consenting adults. One is devoid of a little thing we call rational thought. Strike two.

Now Polygamy is against the law for the simple reason that in a 50/50 society (men to woman based on statistical probability involving “x’s” and “y’s” in our scientific world) it provoked unhealthy competition and too often the defenceless young were preyed upon. It is rightfully illegal and has no place in this argument in much the same way pedophilia is out of context. Gays only want to marry one pre-existing gay adult that is already a percentage of an existing population.

Ok so the end result is the Gay Marriage issue is clear and the law should be a green-light, right? President Obama says no to marriage, but ok to civil unions. This is code talk for “having it both ways.” That is the same stance as McCain has and it’s bullshit.

Either you are Pat Roberts and believe it’s an abomination and should be deterred and in no way coddled or sanctioned...or you are a person that believes homosexuality is genetic and exists in all species of the animal kingdom and therefore already an integral part of actual society and should not be discriminated against.

Controversial Subject #2 - Abortion

Does life begin at conception or not? For God fearing people the answer is yes. They don’t base it on the child merely vacating the vaginal canal after an arbitrary gestation period. Lots of babies can be born massively premature and survive…heck the heart beats in the first few weeks. To them pregnant is pregnant and life is life and conception is the religious answer. To end such life on some other arbitrary timeline after conception is purposeful death to a living soul, plain and simple.

See religious people who are for women’s rights don’t like to hear this. They like to think they can be both religious and pro-choice in dysfunctional harmony. They cannot. If you believe “a woman’s body is hers to make choices” negates the religious implications...you are wrong.

Religion is conception and if a woman’s body is housing two separate souls then they are both equal. Life is life and equal is equal. Don’t fight with me people, I don’t make the rules. If you are religious then I take what the Pope says over the lady with the placard at a rally when it comes to things regarding religion. It’s kinda what he does. Don’t like it? Stop saying you are religious.

To say you are religious, but do not believe conception is life, then you are right back to the arbitrary calendar and becoming your own theologian, in which case you aren’t religious. You’re just some person with a round peg and a square hole banging away. You can’t have it both ways.

Now if you are not religious, then you can make the argument about a conscious state and when a being becomes self-aware. This outlook facilitates abortion and termination of a non-sentient being. This is where I land, and if anything, there should be even more abortions when I look around. When Monty Python sang “Every Sperm is Sacred” they had their tongues planted firmly in cheeks people.

Now Obama says he personally believes abortion is wrong due to his religion, but is willing to bend to the will of the people...which is pro-abortion. This is bullshit. If he truly believes these helpless and defenceless souls are being improperly killed, then he is a despicable human being. If you don’t stand up for what you say you believe in and the victim is innocence itself...then you my friend are an asshole.

I don’t think he is despicable or an asshole actually. I believe he’s full of shit and playing lip service to a religious constituency. He is trying to placate both sides and play politics with something that is...or is not. Guess that makes him more of an “opportunistic dick” then?

I don’t believe what a Bush or Palin believe...but I respect it. They have the convictions of their beliefs and I fully appreciate the logic. Therefore, their vigour in defence of life is not only acceptable and logical given their superstitious starting position, but laudable. So I do respect them, but they are of course wrong.

Looks like I ran out of room in this blog. There are so many issues left like War, Gun Control, Debt, Role of Government...I could go on all day. Let me know your thoughts and let the debate flow!

The Democrats have had the White House, the Congress and the Senate for 6 months now. There are more troops engaged in war now, the deficit is jumping leaps and bounds, rendition is still happening, bills still have earmarks and get passed without readings....at least he closed Gitmo. Oh wait that takes a year because 250 people are so hard to move. *tongue in cheek*

Democrats really are the new Republicans. Truth is...there never was much of a difference.

See you next week Top of the Food Chain!

-Life is complicated and far from perfect but it is still great

A Caveman Explains Calculus

I was never happy with High School. Sure some kids were mean and it’s an awkward age but that’s not what I’m referring too. How and what they taught made those years of my life a virtual waste of time.

When we were young school teachers were supposed to reveal all those golden nuggets for a life of prosperity. It never quite passed the smell test for me back then and now that I can see through the mature eyes of hindsight...it was a bloody joke.

I’ll bet you can learn what is retained from high school 10 years later in a mere 6 weeks, leaving 202 weeks of utter bullshit behind. Let us agree that if University was not necessary for you to professionalize (doctor/lawyer etc.) then high school should’ve taught us to at least think or stimulated us in some god damned way.

I found teachers less exciting and less enthusiastic then a very old dog around very young children or the guy painting lines on pavement. Where was the drama? The Joie de vivre? The ability to entice and help you wrap your arms around a subject?

Alas they are merely drones doing what drones do ...“Next page and question class”. How tediously boring and inept. How 1800’s.

It isn't helping that a 60 year old teacher stuck in a 30 year rut soaks up seniority based pay while young newly trained teachers languish with the bare minimum.

What is often taught, in my opinion, lacks context and the larger picture. The micro lacks gravitas without the macro. Take how our own solar system is grasped for example. Try to spatially comprehend the scale of the planets based on how we were taught.

You can probably still name those planets as they were drilled into our heads and we’ve certainly seen the models, the mobiles, the dioramas and the illustrations many many countless times, however how well did all of this convey how much space is in space.

If you were to take our sun as a 10 pin bowling ball and scale our solar system accordingly then Mercury Mars and Pluto would be merely pin heads. Venus and Earth would be peppercorns. Uranus and Neptune would be coffee beans while Saturn is an acorn and Jupiter is a walnut.

Now these planetary representations would be spread out in all directions taking up over half a mile! That is to say if you stood at the bowling ball...you couldn't see a single planet. Nothing. Not a single peppercorn, nut or pinhead.

The next nearest star is 4.2 light years away. What that translates to in our scale is....the closest sun that planets may orbit is 4000 miles away...Half the width of our actual full size planet. In 4000 miles there is nothing but a single bowling ball, some spice, a couple nuts and three pin heads. That is a lot of nothing and no one ever conveyed this to me in all those years in Science class.

According to TIME we spend 10 times the amount of money taking special care of those with IQ’s under 55 then the same number of kids who have an IQ above 145. This system is set up to coddle the plodding masses while providing little for the lantern bearers.

If little Johnny likes to stick marbles up his nose I think natural selection should take its course to thin out the dufus heard. On the flip side if little Annabelle has an IQ of 170, I think we need to tailor some education for this upstart because she’ll be the one to help mankind find its way and this blunt pedantic instrument we are using isn’t getting the job done.

We should re-examine how we teach kids. The system of education where we sit at desks in a room with 20-40 people and all study the same things and at the same pace, reading the same texts and having in most cases a dim bulb protected by unions running the show. It is anachronistic and we need to do better.

It’s time for a re-think. This system needs an overhaul because there are too many dumb bastards being pumped out right now and far too much precious time being wasted.

See you next week Top of the Food Chain!

-Life is complicated and far from perfect but it is still great

Smoke If You've Got 'em

In some strange way I am ideally suited to talk about marijuana. The reason is simple, other than alcohol, I have never done drugs of any kind. Now that may seem like it doesn’t make much sense, but bear with me.

Anyone who has ever put forth the notion of legalizing marijuana is instantly marginalized and characterized as a self-serving slacker. I however, can look at the situation objectively and without stereotypes fogging up the lens.

I have come to detest politicians and their lack of conviction. They need to placate an electoral base and they adjudicate according to the squeamish qualms of the masses. So right off the bat let us agree on this...a government should not interfere with the quiet enjoyment of its adult population.

If you are a law abiding, taxpaying citizen who likes to augment your state of mind by picking up a bottle of wine or a case of beer then the government leaves you be. However, if you would like to smoke marijuana then you have to go to your buddy the drug dealer to get your fix and if the police catch you...hello criminal record.

Now exactly what are the differences? Well the web is full of stats that talk about THC and alcoholism and you can Google to your heart’s content. However, my opinion is stat free and instead based on being unaltered around both the intoxicated and the medicated and I say alcohol is worse by far.

The violence alone associated with booze swings my opinion wildly. You put 20 people in a room drinking vs 20 people in the room smoking dope and I will guarantee the worse that will happen in the latter room is obnoxious laughter and a cheesie fight. The worse that can happen in the former room? Arrests aplenty based on a few homicides.

On a side note, have you ever heard someone say they are a dick when they are drunk? Truth is that person is a dick in real life. They just control and hide it better when they are sober and have their faculties. Give that person booze and they lose their inhibitions and out comes Super Dick. Followed by his gf saying stupid shit like “he only gets like this when he drinks rye” or some such crap. Problem with that logic is when they drink beer you realize “wow beer makes him a dick too”. Nope, just a plain ol’ dick hiding it better when he’s sober.

Dicks that smoke-up are docile buggers. Even the extreme chronic user might not be the biggest go getters but who the hell do they hurt? Who am I to say get on board with the mores and customs of this ridiculous made up game called life? There is no need to get your panties in a twist over bed head and a soft midsection. The ones who smoke less veraciously are actually nice amicable people who don’t have to worry about pounding headaches from a hangover the next day.

As far as a "gateway drug" I find that argument offensive. Alcohol is also a drug yet no one makes this argument... because it’s ridiculous. It’s like saying people can’t date a sibling of a small child because you’ll end up screwing them both. Cocaine is not marijuana and cocaine is not beer.

Marijuana is a drug they give people as actual medicine to aid in their recovery. Not like morphine/heroine when then end is neigh. The only time you see a doc giving a swig of booze to a patient is when he’s about to saw off their arm in the 1800’s. Those are far different methodologies my friends.

Have you ever heard of someone over dosing on pot? Neither have I...and it’s not addictive like that Tim Hortons you squeeze onto with Gollum like zest. Think too of the money expended policing and incarcerating this harmless lot and it’s head scratchingly annoying.

There is one overriding reason I haven’t smoked weed or done drugs of any kind thus far and it’s because I don’t want a drug dealer in my life. Not crazy about my delicate features being passed about in a prison either.

You let me buy it from a LCBO ensuring there is no rat feces in it and I will gladly spark up. Hell maybe we all should. We’d boost the economy by loading the coffers with delicious taxes and without all of these pesky bottles to recycle.

See you next week Top of the Food Chain!

- Life is complicated and far from perfect, but it is still great

American Idle

This is our first guest Blog written by Uncle Bear!

We hope you enjoy the change of voice for a week. Ladies and Gentlemen....Uncle Bear....


It's no secret to anyone who knows me that I have always had a major hate-on for "reality television" (as delicious an oxymoron as "jumbo shrimp" or "progressive conservative"). These sentiments have been shared before, but investing any of your own time into the scripted lives of "real people" on TV has to be the ultimate sign that your life needs more. More of what? I couldn't say for sure, but I'm quite certain the millionaire producers of The Bachelorette, Survivor, The Hills, or Jon & Kate, etc. aren't providing it.

To begin with, the idea that anything that happens in front of a film crew can be considered "reality" is laughable at best. Have you and your friends/family ever been clowning around at a party when your boozie buddy/uncle shows up with the camera rolling? Oh yeah....those are some of the most natural moments you'll ever experience (is there a button on this keyboard for dripping sarcasm?).

You can't ignore the third wall when watching anything on TV...ANYTHING. Somewhere between what happens in front of the lens and what's shown on the screen your living room is a carefully orchestrated process of scripting, directing, lighting, and most importantly....EDITING. Never forget that you only ever see what "they" decide you will see. That is a far cry from reality.

But enough of that. To talk about the evils of reality TV (or television in general, for that matter) would be more of a thesis than a simple web log. And who has time for that much reading anyway? "Good god man...don't you know So You Think You Can Dance is on tonight!?"

This particular diatribe is of a more specific nature. That's right music fans(?)...it's time to put an end to the most socially-harmful bullshit television show of them all...American Idol (originally titled "American Idol: The Search For A Superstar).

Allow me to beat some of you to the punch here...my hatred of this show does not come from a place of envy. It is not the kind of hate an old, washed-up fat dude feels when he watches tanned, ripped twentysomethings tossing a football around on the beach (although I do have that kind of hate in my heart as well...). As a matter a fact, it's the kids in the competition I feel for the most. These wide-eyed dreamers are being set up for failure whether they win or lose because the fact remains that Americans (yes, us included) have the combined attention span of a pack of rhesus monkeys at the best of times.

Webster's Dictionary defines the word Idol as "a representation or symbol of an object of worship", "an object of extreme devotion", or (and this is the most interesting) "a false conception (fallacy)". It seems redundant to walk you good folks through the irony in this, but here goes nothing...

One could assume that the initial premise of the show was to search the dark corners of America to find the next big star...those undiscovered "diamonds-in-the-rough", so to speak. Yet, with the exception of Kelly Clarkson, not a single winner (or top five for that matter) has enjoyed anywhere near the success one would associate with that of an "Idol". Sure, William Hung made a few bucks, but at the expense of any and all self-respect (not to presume he had any to begin with, but the almighty dollar can do wonderfully hideous things to people). Carrie Underwood enjoyed some success on the country circuit, but the country music charts are a far cry from the pop charts (just ask Jessica Simpson and Darius Rucker, who both turned to cowboy boots and pick-up trucks to resurrect their careers. I guess my point is you hardly have to be Johnny Cash or Hank Williams to make it in country music anymore. A pretty face and some cliché lyrics seem to be enough).

I would argue that Clarkson (although legitimately talented...those pipes are for real) garnered the most success due to the fact that she was the first winner, and the novelty of the show was much stronger. But now the American public is on to them. The announcement of each season's winner seems to be followed more by a sense of "okay, who's next?” as opposed to any actual interest in our newly appointed superstar. Album sales are almost non-existent after the first couple of months following the conclusion of the show, and any money that does come in must first pass through the greed-filter of executives, producers, agents and promoters.

The actual profit these artists see is barely pennies per record. Seems a cruel fate for a so-called "Idol". Just ask David Cook, David Archuletta, Jordin Sparks, Blake Lewis, Ace Young, Kellie Pickler, Chris Daughtry, Katherine McPhee, Taylor Hicks, Constantine Maroulis, Bo Bice, Diana DeGarmo, Fantasia Barrino, Clay Aiken, Ruben Studdard or Justin Guarini how lucrative their careers have been, post Idol. I'm sure you can find most of them delivering pizzas or finishing their third rehab stints somewhere warm and sunny. The remaining optimists should be appearing on a street corner near you any day now. A star's gotta work, right? Cocaine is not cheap, kids!

Speaking of which...did anyone hear that J.D. Fortune (winner of the show "Rock Star INXS") was living in his car as recently as February? Did you know that Ryan Malcolm (winner, first season Canadian Idol) was the opening act for two Toronto indie bands at The Reverb last winter? True story. Is this what becomes of our Idols? I sure hope not.

So what is the answer? Personally, I'm sick and tired of being told who my heroes are. The day I let Paula Abdul choose my favourite music for me would be the same day I hire Tara Reid as my life coach.

Far be it from me to tell anyone how to spend their time, but instead of investing any part or yourselves into these poor puppets, who will be yesterday's news by tomorrow, may I suggest taking some of your "Idol" time on Wednesday and Thursday, and try searching the interwebs for music that YOU like. Maybe it will be James Morrison, Jamie Lydell, Ray Lamontagne, Ryan Adams, The Jayhawks, Ocean Colour Scene, Feist, Paulo Nutini, The Magic Numbers or The Decemberists...just a handful of great musicians who are unknown in many circles, but whose music is real and heartfelt and amazing...to me.

This-of course-is only my opinion. Who knows...maybe they won't "do it" for you, but here's to hoping that in searching, you find someone that YOU love. That's what makes music incomparable....it is still the greatest common ground we share with each other across the globe, yet it means something different to each of us. That's because we discover it in our own way, on our own time. You love music because it speaks to you, not because it's forced down your throat like a prison blow job (okay...that was a bit offside, but it's MY blog!).

Until next time....see you from inside this here suitcase!

See you next week Top of the Food Chain!

- Life is complicated and far from perfect, but it is still great